Withered - Chapter 56: Chapter 56
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A voice echo through the empty hallway. Chaeyoung turns his head to the side, finding the source of the voice that interrupted his sentence then watch as Tzuyu marching towards him. The younger just finished filling needed paper in the hospital's office and rush to the surgery room. His pounding heart stops as he heard the doctor's explanation and quickly jump into the scene and all eyes are on him.
"The baby. Save the baby Hyung, that's what Mina noona wished for." Tzuyu sighed, standing next to Chaeyoung. He put his palm on his brother's shoulder, gripping it as he forces himself to brings up the truth. Knowing fully it's the worst choice you'll ever give to a man, to a father.
Chaeyoung shut his eyes momentarily. There are two people fighting at each other, both defending their sides and two paths. Right and left. Choices cannot be undone and he knows once the road has been trodden, it shall disappear. And everything is happening inside his mind. He's basically standing in the edge of a cliff surrounded by a pack of wolves and under him is the stillness ocean that is murderous, staying or jumping off wouldn't mean much because both bring the same outcome, effect to him, both are killing him. Then, should he let Mina's decision be the determinant? Or is it so wrong to be selfish?
Chaeyoung heaves a deep sigh, bringing him back to reality. He has always had the answer when it comes to priority. H has always known but it doesn't mean the love he has for the other is much lesser, he will lose a part of his soul and it is irreplaceable. He takes a quiet moment to ask for forgiveness and pray. Having what the doctor had said to him giving him a clear view of what his final words will be. Child is a gift, a pure soul and it may be only his imagination but the time his eyes flutter open, a single white light penetrating the place coming from the end of the hallway and in it, stands a small little girl with two ponytails, wearing the beanie her grandmother had knitted and a pink winter mittens her mother had made for her and those little hands are waving at him.
A faint smile formed against Chaeyoung's lips causing his eyes to crease as he let an effortless tear to escaped.
"Save my wife," He decides.
The doctor nods "I suppose what I had said becomes a contributing factor. It's about quality of life and survival chances. That's a wise decision. I'll try my best" He gives an assurance smile and quickly walks away. The automatic sliding door open and he disappears inside along with nurses who comes running while pushing a trolley containing boxes. Chaeyoung knows what it is, blood bags.
"W-wait, Hyung! Mina noona didn't want this! You heard her don't you?" Tzuyu exclaims, staring straight at his brother who's wordlessly eyeing the trolley that passes by them.
Chaeyoung pulls his eyes from the highly polished linoleum floor to catch a glimpse of the surgery room then turns to his younger brother. He feels so suffocated, so heavy as if the weight of the world is resting on his shoulder and there's nothing he could do about it but let the weight slowly crushes him. He knows what he has sacrificed and how the hole in his heart is the shape of the one he has lost that makes he feel the need to wipe away any non-existent tears that he wants to form but can't. And so there he is, sitting with his legs buckled, bleary-eyed and wet traces on his cheeks.
"Hyung" Tzuyu calls out, sitting next to Chaeyoung. The moment he sees his brother's hollow eyes, his heart breaks. He sighs and pulls Chaeyoung's limp body into a hug. They had been in this exact situation before and he couldn't possibly imagine everything Chaeyoung has gone through. His brother was the one who found their mother lying on the ground, breathless then telephoned the ambulance. Soon enough, Tzuyu returned from playing with his friends, too little to understand and only followed Chaeyoung boarding the ambulance. Before his father could arrive from work to the hospital, his mother slipped away to heaven.
Table death. She left them while she was under surgery while the two boys waiting outside, hoping to see their mother's smile again. At that time, it was Chaeyoung who had his arms wrapped around his little brother to assure him but now in the present, Tzuyu wonder how his brother has changed from someone who's bright to a man with despair.
Tzuyu tightens his hug when he feels his brother isn't responding, he seems lost and dead. He tries to lift his brother's body and slowly tap his shoulder. "Hyung, please. You worried me." His voice cracks as he grips Chaeyoung's arms and breaks the hug. Gazing into his brother's eyes, he says,
"Be strong and do not weep. Thinks of all the good time and be happy. I'll be watching over you keeping you out of harms. I've loved you all so dearly."
Chaeyoung raises his head, that words had soothed his ears that day. He still can hear it, playing inside his head.
"Mom's last words to us. We shouldn't disappoint her. Be strong Hyung. Everything will be fine. Your little brother promised" Tzuyu smiles and guide Chaeyoung's head and lay it on his shoulder. Rubbing his brother's back, he stares at the landscape of the operating theatres.
* * * *
The walls have white wallpaper with a flower design pressed in it. On three of the walls hangs pictures of what seems to be endless fields of wildflowers. She has gained her consciousness and lay there quietly
She keeps her eyes closed, matching her breaths to the beeping of the machines that surrounded the bed, the only indications of her heartbeat, her existence. She can't feel her legs, the numbness has swollen her entire body. Curiosity slowly pried open her swollen eyes to meet a dismal view of a magnolia coloured room, the door is a navy blue.
She could still smell the plastic from the tubes that are in her nose and throat. She looks around, next to her bed stands a one-drawer nightstand and on top is a pink pitcher and cup filled with water and crushed ice. Judging by the IV she's hooked up to, she supposes she's in a hospital.
No one is inside the room. Realization comes hitting her mind as she quickly brings her hand and caresses her bump. It turns to a fist, gripping the patient's gown when she only feels her flat stomach. Before she calls for a name in desperation to know what had happened, the door opens revealing her sisters. For a moment, they stay glued at the frame door. It's the look they give her that disturbing enough. A look of sorrow, pity.
Her voice is scratchy like a pinecone and quiet like the sky before a storm, hurting her parched throat whenever she tries to speak. Despite the inability, she forces herself to form words.
"Unnie....wha-what--" She coughs and gulps before continuing as her sister has already sat on the chair next to the bed.
"Shh, it's--Just...take some rest. Mom and dad will be here in any second. Don't think about anything, for now, Mina." Sana assures, caressing the younger's cheeks while Momo is standing not far behind the oldest. Momo avoids Mina's gaze as her eyes never leave the floor. Mina isn't that oblivious to feels the tension, the dark aura surrounding them.
"Is..everything alright? Where is she? my daughter" No one answers her doubts and let her questions hanging in the air. Sana opens her mouth in hopes to say anything, anything to calm the youngest but she couldn't think of any. Mina eyed them suspiciously and wince as an axe buries itself inside her head. Her head hurts. She could only think of one person, someone that can answer her.
"Chaeyoungie" She calls out.
Sana who catches the almost not audible voice, slowly nods and about to stands when once again the door creaks open, catching everyone's attention. Stands a guy with a dried patch of brown that has wicked into the hem of his cream sweater and his white trousers. The man heaves a deep breath and rubs his face before he completely enters. Sana and Momo take it as a cue for them to leaves and give space and time for both the younger. When they walk past the guy, they give him a faint smile as Sana catches his hand and squeezes it before closing the door.
"Chaeyoungie, what happened? Our baby is she fine?...Is the baby in the incubator? Ahh yes, she must be...." Mina trails off and holds the guys' hands as he sits on the edge of the bed. She's expecting his greeting smile, but none comes. Instead, his mouth remains an uncharacteristic grim line amid his stubble. She brushes it off when a thought crossing her mind. Desperately with a hint of excitement, she asks for something he couldn't fulfil.
"Can you bring me there? Don't worry I'm strong enough for some short walk. I just....want to see her"
Chaeyoung stares quietly at her. Does the truth imprison us, or does it set us free? One thing we know for sure, the truth can hurt. Wounded us deeply and stubbornly linger for weeks, months, years or forever depends on how greater the pain it brings and how much it means to us. He doesn't know whether he should tell a twisted lie only until she's healed enough, until she's ready to accept it or should now be the time?
"Chaeyoungie?"
The guy snaps out of his trains of thought when he just stares blankly into nothing. He looks at her, sooner or later she'll find out. The lie comes with expectation. Expectation comes with hope. And hope is a promise that smiles and laughter are just around the corner. He doesn't want that, to light up a candle in her dark world only to harshly blows it away, snatching all hope she has build. For the better, pure truth is what she needs the most.
"I'm sorry," He started, succeeds to suppress his bursts of emotions as the pain inside moving like ocean waves just to speak his mind.
"Chaeyoungie.....is everything alr--"
"She's not here" He cut in. He scoots closer and grasps the girl's hand. Pushing himself, it becomes harder and harder to tell the truth when he himself is still not entirely accept the harshness of reality. "Our daughter is no longer here, Mina."
Mina pushes herself to sits up straight and looks at him with borrowed eyes, her expression giving away all of her thoughts. She's confused, doubting, suspicious.
"What do you mean by that?" Her tone changed drastically into fear and slight panic.
"She's gone. I told her to leave" His voice trails away as remorse hit him like a sledgehammer. He lowers his gaze then back to the ordinary orbs that are looking at him intently.
Mina watches as the guy shows no sign of retreating his words but stares deeply into hers. She suddenly freed her hand from his grips and slips out of bed then stands up, only to wobbling slightly before she holds the bed's rail for support. She recklessly takes off the tubes that are going on her nose, pulls out the IV tapes on her wrist and other wires and tubes attached to her body. Ignoring Chaeyoung's protest, she let her bare feet froze by the black and white checkered tile as she rushes towards the door.
"Mina, stop! What--" Chaeyoung tries to stop her frantic sudden behaviour in concern of her health. He catches her wrist and stands before her, stopping the girl from walking any further.
"Don't block my way. I will see her by myself" She breathes out, shoving the guy aside but Chaeyoung stands firmly resolution to not give in to her tempestuous voice and wraps his arms around her when she starts to be more aggressive. Trapped, Mina pushes him by the shoulder, each force becomes more and more stronger as time goes by causing Chaeyoung to staggered backwards.
"Don't lie to me! I'm going to the nursery" She moves as if some inexperienced person is controlling them remotely. Her brown eyes become watery as she slowly escapes from the shocked and bewildered state "Chaeyoung! Let me go!" Mina's voice raises an octave as she vents her emotions and frustration, hitting him on the chest. Her body rack with sobs as it hangs limp against Chaeyoung's while the guy supports her body and lift her up from falling to the ground as if her every muscle giving into gravity.
Chaeyoung who's numb to pain hurriedly embraces the brunette. At first, she is stiff but then she melts into his body, her arms limp, dangling like a doll. Without being aware of it Chaeyoung left-hand rises to stroke her back. Then she begins to cry hysterically wetting his shirt.
It's more than crying, it's the kids of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. After her energy constantly drained out of her, the level of tiredness and weakness equates to insanity like her spirit temporarily dislocated. She sinks into his arms as what only left behind is raw emptiness that nibbles at her inside like a hungry rat. Her irises are threads scarlet and her eyeballs leave heavy in their sockets. Only muffles sobs fillings the room, and if it's not because of that small sounds Chaeyoung probably will though she has fainted.
Struggling to keep his tears silent, Chaeyoung looks to the glassy window up to the watery skies and heaven beyond. He has to believe his baby is safe up there, comfortable and warm. To look down would be to imagine small bean cold in a box, bereft of his cuddles and goodnight kisses.
"I requested, didn't I" She begins in a hushed tone, Her breaths are uneven and hitched occasionally."I don't care what happens to me" Mina pulls away from his embrace. Her eyes stared hard with an intensity that tightens Chaeyoung 's chest. "I didn't care about what will happened to me, I pleaded with you to save our daughter"
"I...I'm sorry"
She can feel the hot tears already welling up in her eyes by the revelation. Another piece of her died, another strand of connection between them breaks and it's what she feared the most, it's the most valuable pieces worth her whole heart, her whole life more than anything.
"How could you...." She walks backwards and tightly clenches the bed rail, staying away from him but her fiery stare never once leaves the guy. So lost in that moment and the torment her brain is in. "She's just a little girl! Your own daughter!!" She spits out. It's too much. The emotions are too many to handle at once, the intensity is too high, she cannot remains purely rational.
Until the emotion subsides, it's virtually impossible to access reasoning centres of the brain to have a logical conversation and thus argument and confrontation based on anger, frustration and sarcasm are inevitable. And Chaeyoung knows it. To have a heated conversation now is dangerous as they'll hurt each other in the hurricane of harsh and horsed insult. Though he himself is drowned by sadness and grief, he tries to suppress the emotions as he knows he deserves the resentment and retort from the girl so he chooses to stay silent.
But his silence is unacceptable by the brunette. Her fist on the bed's rail tightens as she gazes him. Burning rage hissed through her body like deathly poison. She shakes her head slightly, how come the deep love she has for him always be the causes of the greatest pain he gives to her. How many more she has to sacrifice, the pain she has to endure, the chances she has to give.
"Why....why are you keep disappointing me?" Her voice lowered.
"How can I live now? Tell me Chaeyoungie. Please..please return her to me" She pleads. Streaming tears cleansed her red cheeks. Few droplets remain, forgetting their way as the path are sweep from beneath them, consequently blurring her vision with waves of sadness. The salty release flowed into her mouth so that she could taste her own sorrow.
Chaeyoung is all a deceiving shell of the hollow soul, holding a thousands ocean of tears as he stands quietly. He could barely lift his head and only eyed the floor.
Mina remembers by the first thing she knows about Son Chaeyoung, her best friend, her lover. The kid who saved her from losing her way in the park, the one who gave her chocolate to calm her down, the one who held her hand when she was terrified by thunders. Then they grew up together, relying on each other and soon affection and love spark between them. But if every pain, every wound, every scar she always had it with him is the price of love, then she's not capable enough.
"I wish we've never met. Then I don't have to go through all of this. I shouldn't bother to chase after that damn butterfly, I shouldn't accept the chocolate you offered. I shouldn't even come to the park in the first place. Yeah, I should just stay at home....." She trails away.
Falling in love with him is just like falling into a black hole. Once you have entered it there is no coming back and the deeper you go into it, it becomes darker and intense. No matter how much love they have for each other, at the end that love always bleeds them until she thought that love isn't worth the pain, that she's much more willing not to feel that love at all from the first place.
".....Meeting you is my biggest regret"
Chaeyoung raises his head, planting his gaze on her. He never expects her words to hurt so much, it feels like a thousand knives just pierced through his heart. Finally, he has the urge to reply, to defends himself. "I did it for our future," He says, using his most normal voice he could utter covering the fact that her sharp and wounding words storm through him, piercing his body. But the girl doesn't realize the effect of her words and only stares at him in disbelief and anger.
"There's no future! Not anymore" She snaps and looks at him, blinked briny tears from her bloodshot eyes. She sees her soul in his eyes and knows in a moment that they, in very different ways, both wanted the same thing, but were lost in how to get there, blind to the paths yet trying to see. Both wanted happiness, the best for everyone but chooses a separate way.
She looks at him with that same disappointed face she'd given him a million times before. Frustrated and pressured, Chaeyoung runs his finger along his hair to control himself but words fly from his mouth that he never thought he'd even think, let alone say out loud. "She meant nothing!..." He shouts "..Nothing compared to yo---"
*slap*
It's loud as a clap and stings his face. It has been an open-handed smack and left a red welt behind. Just below his eye is a small cut where Mina's eternity ring has caught him.
"Does she ever meant anything to you?"
Chaeyoung knows instantly from the look in her eyes that they'd hit their mark. In that instant, their relationship shattered into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again. He wants to retract what he has said as it truly against his judgment that he doesn't mean it in the way she has interpret but her expression shows no room for forgiveness nor acceptance.
Chaeyoung walks closer, this time focusing on his words. His hands trail across her shoulder and gently grasp it as they stare into each other. "I can't afford to lose you," He says softly and in a matter of fact.
"You will," Mina responds with a monotone reply and a straight face.
"Min--"
"Leave. It's over" She interjected.
"Mina, please"
"Leave." Firmly and demanded, her cold fury is only growing bigger. Staring at him in a threatening way as the next conversation is spoken through their eyes. And it's her final words.
Chaeyoug wants to beg, plead, get down on his knees and tell her that this life has more meaning, that their love has meaning, that they could walk through this obstacle, but he knows that face. It is the face she wears when her ears are closed and her mind has put up barriers to all new information. So no matter what he says it will only push her further away.
The girl he met years ago under the big big oak tree, sitting on a bench in the park, the one with the gummy smiles, stars on her face and the bigger heart is now consumed by bitterness. The argument is cold. Every word over-pronounced, slicing rather than tumbling through the dry air. The love hasn't gone, it has been distorted into a close mimic of hatred. The person he loves the most has grown to hate him to the core.
Chaeyoung's hands drop and he distance himself, stepping away. He waits and waits in hope that she'll take her words back but no, the girl doesn't even want to look at him and planted her gaze elsewhere while her hands that are pressed on the bed's rail starts to shakes. He presses her lips and ambles his way to the door. He halts as he grabs onto the handle and stops himself from looking back
"I love you and I'm sorry," He says with one last tear shedding down his face. After waiting for an impossible reply from her, he finally let go.
* * * *
|Part II|
Standing there, Chaeyoung is surrounded by flowers petals in the centre of his living room. He roams his eyes, catching a glimpse of the banner with a text 'Are you willing to marry me? Penguin.' and next to it is a heart-shaped drawing. He averts his eyes to the ceiling where transparent helium balloons with incandescent rope lights are floating low and at the end of the rope are photographs of captured memories they once shared. He eyed those photos of them in Jeju Island, sitting next to each other on the cliff enjoying the sunset, a photo of them on the beach after he had confessed, him playing football in the orphanage, and her standing so calmly with closed eyes feeling the breeze when they went hiking.
The most beautiful of memories are the worst, cutting his insides as if they are shards of glass. Those memories and this house is once his refuge, a place of guaranteed warmth even on the coldest of days. But now, just being there fills him with a sadness he'll never fully shakes. He swallows the bursts of emotions and bottles it inside as he swayed to the kitchen to get some drink. He falls forward, catching himself on the porcelain sink and bowed his head, shoulders shaking. He tries to maintain his posture. It is overwhelming. All of it. But somehow, he keeps moving.
He mounts the stairs and goes straight to the bedroom as his entire body seems to sag with exhaustion and numbed agony. But the moment he sees the bed, it only reminds him of the small talk at night he once had with her, the pillow fight, the movie marathon, everything constantly pushes him to the edge. He sighs and is about to close the door when he catches a strange brown kraft paper sits on the bed. Having no interest in knowing what it is or the contains, he ignores it and shut the door.
He leans against the wall when his body feels as if he has been bruised in every corner. He stays head bowed until his face has been dried by the wind blowing from the window and his composure regained. It is his pain and he would keep it, it is the intensity of this heartache that proves the strength of their bond and he could not bear to feel less. He couldn't let his walls break, he had enough. But the thought doesn't linger inside his mind for a long time when he dares to glance to a door in the corner that was once his painting room.
He braces himself and stands before the bright pink in colour door, contemplating whether he should enter or not as he knows it will suck him into deep hollowness. Nonetheless, he decides to get in for the last time.
Inside the room, sits a single white crib and hang high above it is a musical hanging toy. On the left side light pink wall, a bunch of colourful flowers is spray-painted on the surface while on the right side wall is a shadow of a white oak tree and a drawing of a graceful ballerina. His eyes start to burn and his chest feels heavy as if it is filled with lead. Knowing what will comes next, he holds himself not to tear apart and wants to walk out of the room. His hands accidentally knock over an object on the table beside the door as he is in a rush to leaves. Something falls on the ground, the sound of shattering fills the room.
He looks down, it's a glass. A broken non-glazes ceramics cup. He kneels and picks all the pieces, not bothered by the sharp edge cutting his fingers. When he has gathers it inside his palm, a single flower formed on the surface. Tears welled up behind his eyelids and slips down his cheeks without resistance. He hurriedly scrubs them from his face.
"Who's that for?" Mina asked, settling beside me while I'm scarping off the poetry with a wooden finger-shaped tool to make a single lily flower. I stop my hands from moving and puts the tool on the table then place the cup in between hers and mine. Just by thinking of it makes me smiles nonstop. A complete family. I face her and pokes her growing bump.
"For our little bean"
He rubs his eyes and carefully stands up then gently put the pieces inside a drawer, but one leads to the others. A colourful book reveals itself deep inside the drawer. Chaeyoung slowly pulls it out. There is a silence to his soul as his fingers trails over the cover, unaware of the pounding of his head and the layer of dehydrated saliva that coated his cracked lips. He's suddenly out of balance and reaches out for the wall. His hand slips along the sheen and he sprawls onto the carpet with a crashing thump.
He has never felt more empty in mind, body or soul, never so bereft of any comfort. Never feels so worthless or disposable, never so wretched and cold. His hands clench the book into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief. He turns the page, and that's it. He lost it.
His eyes drip with tears. His walls, the walls that hold him up, make him strong just... collapse. He stares at the ultrasound pictures stuck on the first page then randomly flips it as he reads the words he expressed in the books day by day.
'Little bean, hahaha in your first photo you're a small black dot. I decided to call you little bean from now on. You won't be mad right? Haha. So, little bean, my name is Son Chaeyoung, your dad and Myoui Mina is your mother's name, what a sweet and pretty name your mother got right? You'll be shocked when you see her, she's verrrrry gorgeous and I bet you too. Hmmm, this is awkward actually writing this but I hope dad can give this book to you when you're here with us. Maybe that's it for now, lame right? Haha I love you, my daughter"
September 12, 2019
'I really miss you baby and of course your mother. Dad is a bit sick right now. Have some fever, I hope you'll never get sick, it's not a good feeling. What about mom? Is she doing well? Haha, definitely she is. Mom and dad are not fighting. Mom just a bit tired so she stays at home. Dad, reallllllllly loves you and mom....dad realllllly miss both of you.
October 2, 2019
'Hi! my daughter haha. Hmm, dad actually alone right now because mom is meeting your aunt. So, dad is a bit lonely haha. Today, dad bought some books for you hmmm you must be shared the same hobby with your mom right? You know, she's a bookworm hahaha. By the way....dad can't wait to see you and show you the world. It's a really beautiful place...and a bit dangerous haha, but don't worry dad will always protect you from any harm..same goes to your mom. I love you, my daughter...'
October 19, 2019
'To my baby, I wanted to write to you because this moment, this one quiet moment dad is having difficulty. Momma is very sick and it makes dad feels really bad. And I hope my baby is fine too. Be a good child and don't make momma worried okay. Baby, dad, and mom already in love with you and we can't wait to see you and we will love you. Always.
November 29, 2019
"Does she ever meant anything to you?"
That what Mina doesn't know that their baby does mean a whole world to him. The lump in his throat develops into a knot. His lungs scream for oxygen. He starts gasping over and over, yelling, 'get ahold of yourself!' in his head. A tear involuntarily slides down his cheek. He couldn't take it anymore. The sound of his sobs fills the air. He just breaks down. The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts.
He closes the books and brings it closer to his chest, hugging it tightly as if someone will snatch it from him. The desolation he feels is all-consuming. His mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in his soul and wraps icy tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stops beating.
And it almost stops beating.
It's unfair. Very. Questioning God's will and fate, why he has to go through all of this? Why did bad things keep happening? Tear stream down his cheeks, his whole face is red, and he screams at the very top of his lungs. He demands an answer, anything but no thunder suddenly strikes nor rain suddenly washed out or a fire suddenly spark, no sign, nothing.
His upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out. Chest rising and falling unevenly as he gasps for breath while squeezing his eyes shut. He balled his hands into fists each time he throws his head back to let out a blood-curdling scream.
Their daughter....so innocent, precious yet he let her go.
From now on, he has to live with himself, with the wretched memories swirling around in the head. He curls into a ball, every light that has once brighten his world are now switched off. The world turns into a blur, and so do all the sounds. The taste. The smell. He clutches furiously at his chest, hoping that by a scratch or simple graze, his heart would stop racing and his body just might entirely shut down. It becomes harder and harder for him to breath around his sobs. His heart hurts.
But he's too broken to even have the feelings of concern about himself. He breaths around the knot as if the oxygen has been suck from the air around him. His heartbeat gets rapid and irregular as he doubles over then collapse to the ground with a thud. Everything darkens into nothingness. Without uttering another sound his face meets the frigid pavement and his eyes closed.
* * * *
A mild headache is what hit him when he first wakes up. He blinks back at thunderstorms swarming in his mind. The disjointed haze receding to the point where he could make sense of the world around him.
It seems like his senses are coming back to him one at a time, as his brain is going through some kind of reboot and he begins to piece together what had happened. Then a numbing sensation rushes in and he heard a slight ringing in his ears. Someone is speaking to him but he couldn't quite make out what they are. His vision refocused, and he could figure it out that someone is by his side, holding his hand. He had hoped it was the person he needed the most, but he was proved wrong.
"Irene-sii? What happened?" He mumbles as he stares at the girl before him.
Irene smiles warmly and tightens her grips. Her eyes glowed in gentle concern. "I found you laying on the ground, unconscious and brings you here." Her soft voice succeeds in soothing him. He is much more affected by the tone she has rather than the actual words.
He responds her with a sincere smile and utter a 'thank you' under his breath. He roams his eyes around the place and finds out that he is inside a small room yet it has a warmness that one feels when they're at home. He diverts his attention to himself and realizes his hospital's shirt is unbuttoned as white patches are stick on his bare chest to a monitor beside him. He knows what it is, an electrocardiograph machine, recording his heart rhythm while next to it is an oxygen tank.
"I brought you to a clinic in my small town. You've been asleep for almost two weeks. And......she asked me to give this to you" Irene started, taking out a folded handkerchief out of her pockets. She carefully unfolds it and reveals a ring that is too familiar to him.
Chaeyoung hesitantly takes it and examine it. It's the eternity ring that holds his promises to never stop loving her and that his heart will always be true, a symbol to their love, happiness that they are waiting for.
"She said she'll leave the country, and her flight is today...." Irene glance to the clock on the bedside table. "She might already board the plane"
Chaeyoung slowly nods. It's quiet for a moment before he suddenly got out of bed and stumbles across to the other side of the room as his drowsiness has still not left him. Irene watches in silence as if she has expected how he'll respond to the news. She doesn't say anything nor stops him but only stay rigid on her place as she witnesses him disappear from her sight.
Chaeyoung runs as fast as he could, fear creeps inside him. The fear of losing her forever. His bare feet pounded against the light grey polished tiled floor. Quickening his pace to an all-out sprint, not minding anyone, he bumps against a stranger. The impact causing him to sprained his ankle as his body hits the wall. He ignores an apology he heard somewhere and wants to keep running before a hand grip his arms.
"Hyung! Where are you going" A familiar voice calls out from behind.
Chaeyoungs turns around and relief washed through him, "Oh, Tzuyu, give me your car key" The younger just stares at his brother in bewildered while he digs his hands inside his pocket, fumbling with the keys. Tuzyu knows where his brother is heading, and he doesn't want them to meet. He isn't completely convinced that his brother won't be hurt again. He wants to save his brother from heartbreak.
"Why? Where---"
"Car key! Tzuyu please" Chaeyoung pleads. The younger presses his lips and sigh. Maybe that's the better, to let his brother watch himself that the person he values the most chooses to abandon him and leaves him, stranded alone. He takes out his car key and gives it to his brother.
Chaeyoung snatches the key in a hurry and runs along the hallway. His sprained ankle refusing to support his weight. Though he had been told before to be cautious of his ankle bone since he once forced himself to walk with a twisted ankle. But none of that advice matter to him.
He founds Tzuyu's car and speeds to the international airport using the shortest route. Takes him a couple of minutes before he arrives. Struggling to cope up with the injury on his feet, it starts to swell as he runs to the plasma screens of arrival and departure times on the wall of the airport. He mentally curses himself as he recalls that he forgot to ask Irene what country Mina is going.
He leaves with no option but to search for her in the sea of new faces moving in an unseen current. He starts to runs, anywhere his legs bring him. People are lined up at the check-in desk with suitcases and baggage, some lounged on the low comfy chairs and others bounced on their toes. He goes through every departure gate, shouting her name over and over again.
Chaeyoung steps halt and bent forwards, hands on his knees as he takes short intakes of breaths. His left-hand crawls to his chest, clutches it when the pain strikes as if someone hammered nails inside his heart and every hit knock out the air out of his lungs. Looking around, he finds himself lost in a thousand people milling around and in the background, he heard the seasonal music and the tinkle of sculptured water features, murmuring, child's crying.
His shoulders are slumped and his eyes cast down in a mournful gaze, his sore eyes can no longer form tears. He stands straight and takes a long deep breath.
"Mina!!"
Calling her name. It's the loudest voice he could let out. He gains unpleasant gaze from strangers that walking by, probably thinking he's mad---seeing a guy wearing a hospital gown, running around, limping while shouting a name, they might think he's someone who escapes from an asylum.
He does not bother by the stares and wants to continue searching but another more step causes him to falls on his knees as his ankle has swollen in a bright purplish colour. He punches his legs in annoyance and frustration that he couldn't move. He then pushes himself to the nearest bench.
His hand hangs on his knee while his head bowed resting his eyes to the tiles under his foot gleaming white. He opens his palm revealing the eternity ring once belonged to the girl mirroring the ring that wraps around his index finger. He's surprised when a water droplet falls into his hand, he thought the water inside his body had drained out but there he is, again crying out as waves of helplessness hit him.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mina stops on her track and turns around, her hands grip tightly a passport and a plane ticket. Her eyes roam the place in curiosity until someone taps her shoulder.
"Is something wrong?" The man says, following her gaze.
A faint smile crosses her features. "N-nothing...I just.." Her voice fades away as she glances around. The man waits for her to continue her words but she brushes her disturbed thought. "I probably just misheard things." She says. The man's face darkens as he looks at her with a hint of concern. Mina who realizes the meaning of his expression holds his hand in assurance.
"I'm okay Jeongie." She assures, convincing him. Jeongyeon hardly nods and still visible the line of worries on his forehead. Mina smiles and guides him to continue walking away inside the departure gate. She strained herself from turning once more as their figure disappears to the boarding terminal.
.
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.
.
When the twilight fades to blackness, Chaeyoung decides to search for her again as his ankle become less painful. Limping around, he goes to the second floor, there's only one gate left unchecked. A flight from Seoul to Norway. Unfortunately, his efforts come to no avail. He mindlessly walks around another few hours, looking everywhere until midnight hits.
Devastated. He finally decides to give up. That enough is enough. It's a strange thing to lose something which you once had, like a limb torn from your body without the chance to save it. The door that is once open and welcoming is locked and disinviting. She has left him; he is alone. She chooses to leaves and he has no right to stop her.
Limp extremities creaked and cracked under the pressure of his body. His lifeless corpse navigated the streets with grotesque difficulty as he drives home. Rain lashed against the windshield of his car. He's lost in his thought thinking he never sought to hurt her or anyone. It's as if all that love became a pain, the pain became fear and the fear sowed hatred strong enough to break them. Maybe that's the way things go for her, strong hate to break a strong love, to erect walls, to protect the self. Maybe for him, he could survive to live without her but to lose everything that means so much to him in one day is a torment.
"You promised me twice, that you'll never leave me. Please don't break it"
"Silly, I won't"
He only prays that they will be reunited in the next, that God would see fit to give them more time, chances. But for now, the loss is more than his heart can take and he feels the dark clouds looming in from above to obscure the sun beyond the dawn. He slowly loosens his grip on the steering wheel and heaves a sigh as he sinks into the seat.
Even though I want to hold you and keep you by my side for a longer time, it seems like you keep drifting farther and farther away from me. As much as I know it's the best for me, for you and for everyone, I didn't expect you to get out of my life someday. I'll never forget the moments you laughed with me, cried with me, helped me. I don't regret any of those memories. Thank you for everything. I hope you find your happiness out there. And to my child, I'm sorry and wait for dad, I'll come to you.
Two blinding lights suddenly blazed ahead like two shining eyes trying to pierce the impenetrable darkness, a truck speeding towards him from other direction. He shut his eyes letting out a flowing river then press on the gas pedal. The sound of car screeching brakes and tires skidding on the wet pavement with continuous honking noise fills the space. Chaeyoung feels quite sleepy.
In no time, his car rollover, lights swirls like crazy Catherine-wheels and the noise of the metal being bashed over the concrete is almost deafening. The seatbelt tug on his skin with every lurch and the airbag is already deflating. When everything stops there is only the sound of the rain on the underbelly of the car for so long.
The eternity ring drops as his hands fall while the one he's wearing slowly slips from his finger as it coated with blood, making a clinking sounds when it hits the ground.
"Meeting you is my biggest regret"
"Meeting you is a beautiful blessing"
"The baby. Save the baby Hyung, that's what Mina noona wished for." Tzuyu sighed, standing next to Chaeyoung. He put his palm on his brother's shoulder, gripping it as he forces himself to brings up the truth. Knowing fully it's the worst choice you'll ever give to a man, to a father.
Chaeyoung shut his eyes momentarily. There are two people fighting at each other, both defending their sides and two paths. Right and left. Choices cannot be undone and he knows once the road has been trodden, it shall disappear. And everything is happening inside his mind. He's basically standing in the edge of a cliff surrounded by a pack of wolves and under him is the stillness ocean that is murderous, staying or jumping off wouldn't mean much because both bring the same outcome, effect to him, both are killing him. Then, should he let Mina's decision be the determinant? Or is it so wrong to be selfish?
Chaeyoung heaves a deep sigh, bringing him back to reality. He has always had the answer when it comes to priority. H has always known but it doesn't mean the love he has for the other is much lesser, he will lose a part of his soul and it is irreplaceable. He takes a quiet moment to ask for forgiveness and pray. Having what the doctor had said to him giving him a clear view of what his final words will be. Child is a gift, a pure soul and it may be only his imagination but the time his eyes flutter open, a single white light penetrating the place coming from the end of the hallway and in it, stands a small little girl with two ponytails, wearing the beanie her grandmother had knitted and a pink winter mittens her mother had made for her and those little hands are waving at him.
A faint smile formed against Chaeyoung's lips causing his eyes to crease as he let an effortless tear to escaped.
"Save my wife," He decides.
The doctor nods "I suppose what I had said becomes a contributing factor. It's about quality of life and survival chances. That's a wise decision. I'll try my best" He gives an assurance smile and quickly walks away. The automatic sliding door open and he disappears inside along with nurses who comes running while pushing a trolley containing boxes. Chaeyoung knows what it is, blood bags.
"W-wait, Hyung! Mina noona didn't want this! You heard her don't you?" Tzuyu exclaims, staring straight at his brother who's wordlessly eyeing the trolley that passes by them.
Chaeyoung pulls his eyes from the highly polished linoleum floor to catch a glimpse of the surgery room then turns to his younger brother. He feels so suffocated, so heavy as if the weight of the world is resting on his shoulder and there's nothing he could do about it but let the weight slowly crushes him. He knows what he has sacrificed and how the hole in his heart is the shape of the one he has lost that makes he feel the need to wipe away any non-existent tears that he wants to form but can't. And so there he is, sitting with his legs buckled, bleary-eyed and wet traces on his cheeks.
"Hyung" Tzuyu calls out, sitting next to Chaeyoung. The moment he sees his brother's hollow eyes, his heart breaks. He sighs and pulls Chaeyoung's limp body into a hug. They had been in this exact situation before and he couldn't possibly imagine everything Chaeyoung has gone through. His brother was the one who found their mother lying on the ground, breathless then telephoned the ambulance. Soon enough, Tzuyu returned from playing with his friends, too little to understand and only followed Chaeyoung boarding the ambulance. Before his father could arrive from work to the hospital, his mother slipped away to heaven.
Table death. She left them while she was under surgery while the two boys waiting outside, hoping to see their mother's smile again. At that time, it was Chaeyoung who had his arms wrapped around his little brother to assure him but now in the present, Tzuyu wonder how his brother has changed from someone who's bright to a man with despair.
Tzuyu tightens his hug when he feels his brother isn't responding, he seems lost and dead. He tries to lift his brother's body and slowly tap his shoulder. "Hyung, please. You worried me." His voice cracks as he grips Chaeyoung's arms and breaks the hug. Gazing into his brother's eyes, he says,
"Be strong and do not weep. Thinks of all the good time and be happy. I'll be watching over you keeping you out of harms. I've loved you all so dearly."
Chaeyoung raises his head, that words had soothed his ears that day. He still can hear it, playing inside his head.
"Mom's last words to us. We shouldn't disappoint her. Be strong Hyung. Everything will be fine. Your little brother promised" Tzuyu smiles and guide Chaeyoung's head and lay it on his shoulder. Rubbing his brother's back, he stares at the landscape of the operating theatres.
* * * *
The walls have white wallpaper with a flower design pressed in it. On three of the walls hangs pictures of what seems to be endless fields of wildflowers. She has gained her consciousness and lay there quietly
She keeps her eyes closed, matching her breaths to the beeping of the machines that surrounded the bed, the only indications of her heartbeat, her existence. She can't feel her legs, the numbness has swollen her entire body. Curiosity slowly pried open her swollen eyes to meet a dismal view of a magnolia coloured room, the door is a navy blue.
She could still smell the plastic from the tubes that are in her nose and throat. She looks around, next to her bed stands a one-drawer nightstand and on top is a pink pitcher and cup filled with water and crushed ice. Judging by the IV she's hooked up to, she supposes she's in a hospital.
No one is inside the room. Realization comes hitting her mind as she quickly brings her hand and caresses her bump. It turns to a fist, gripping the patient's gown when she only feels her flat stomach. Before she calls for a name in desperation to know what had happened, the door opens revealing her sisters. For a moment, they stay glued at the frame door. It's the look they give her that disturbing enough. A look of sorrow, pity.
Her voice is scratchy like a pinecone and quiet like the sky before a storm, hurting her parched throat whenever she tries to speak. Despite the inability, she forces herself to form words.
"Unnie....wha-what--" She coughs and gulps before continuing as her sister has already sat on the chair next to the bed.
"Shh, it's--Just...take some rest. Mom and dad will be here in any second. Don't think about anything, for now, Mina." Sana assures, caressing the younger's cheeks while Momo is standing not far behind the oldest. Momo avoids Mina's gaze as her eyes never leave the floor. Mina isn't that oblivious to feels the tension, the dark aura surrounding them.
"Is..everything alright? Where is she? my daughter" No one answers her doubts and let her questions hanging in the air. Sana opens her mouth in hopes to say anything, anything to calm the youngest but she couldn't think of any. Mina eyed them suspiciously and wince as an axe buries itself inside her head. Her head hurts. She could only think of one person, someone that can answer her.
"Chaeyoungie" She calls out.
Sana who catches the almost not audible voice, slowly nods and about to stands when once again the door creaks open, catching everyone's attention. Stands a guy with a dried patch of brown that has wicked into the hem of his cream sweater and his white trousers. The man heaves a deep breath and rubs his face before he completely enters. Sana and Momo take it as a cue for them to leaves and give space and time for both the younger. When they walk past the guy, they give him a faint smile as Sana catches his hand and squeezes it before closing the door.
"Chaeyoungie, what happened? Our baby is she fine?...Is the baby in the incubator? Ahh yes, she must be...." Mina trails off and holds the guys' hands as he sits on the edge of the bed. She's expecting his greeting smile, but none comes. Instead, his mouth remains an uncharacteristic grim line amid his stubble. She brushes it off when a thought crossing her mind. Desperately with a hint of excitement, she asks for something he couldn't fulfil.
"Can you bring me there? Don't worry I'm strong enough for some short walk. I just....want to see her"
Chaeyoung stares quietly at her. Does the truth imprison us, or does it set us free? One thing we know for sure, the truth can hurt. Wounded us deeply and stubbornly linger for weeks, months, years or forever depends on how greater the pain it brings and how much it means to us. He doesn't know whether he should tell a twisted lie only until she's healed enough, until she's ready to accept it or should now be the time?
"Chaeyoungie?"
The guy snaps out of his trains of thought when he just stares blankly into nothing. He looks at her, sooner or later she'll find out. The lie comes with expectation. Expectation comes with hope. And hope is a promise that smiles and laughter are just around the corner. He doesn't want that, to light up a candle in her dark world only to harshly blows it away, snatching all hope she has build. For the better, pure truth is what she needs the most.
"I'm sorry," He started, succeeds to suppress his bursts of emotions as the pain inside moving like ocean waves just to speak his mind.
"Chaeyoungie.....is everything alr--"
"She's not here" He cut in. He scoots closer and grasps the girl's hand. Pushing himself, it becomes harder and harder to tell the truth when he himself is still not entirely accept the harshness of reality. "Our daughter is no longer here, Mina."
Mina pushes herself to sits up straight and looks at him with borrowed eyes, her expression giving away all of her thoughts. She's confused, doubting, suspicious.
"What do you mean by that?" Her tone changed drastically into fear and slight panic.
"She's gone. I told her to leave" His voice trails away as remorse hit him like a sledgehammer. He lowers his gaze then back to the ordinary orbs that are looking at him intently.
Mina watches as the guy shows no sign of retreating his words but stares deeply into hers. She suddenly freed her hand from his grips and slips out of bed then stands up, only to wobbling slightly before she holds the bed's rail for support. She recklessly takes off the tubes that are going on her nose, pulls out the IV tapes on her wrist and other wires and tubes attached to her body. Ignoring Chaeyoung's protest, she let her bare feet froze by the black and white checkered tile as she rushes towards the door.
"Mina, stop! What--" Chaeyoung tries to stop her frantic sudden behaviour in concern of her health. He catches her wrist and stands before her, stopping the girl from walking any further.
"Don't block my way. I will see her by myself" She breathes out, shoving the guy aside but Chaeyoung stands firmly resolution to not give in to her tempestuous voice and wraps his arms around her when she starts to be more aggressive. Trapped, Mina pushes him by the shoulder, each force becomes more and more stronger as time goes by causing Chaeyoung to staggered backwards.
"Don't lie to me! I'm going to the nursery" She moves as if some inexperienced person is controlling them remotely. Her brown eyes become watery as she slowly escapes from the shocked and bewildered state "Chaeyoung! Let me go!" Mina's voice raises an octave as she vents her emotions and frustration, hitting him on the chest. Her body rack with sobs as it hangs limp against Chaeyoung's while the guy supports her body and lift her up from falling to the ground as if her every muscle giving into gravity.
Chaeyoung who's numb to pain hurriedly embraces the brunette. At first, she is stiff but then she melts into his body, her arms limp, dangling like a doll. Without being aware of it Chaeyoung left-hand rises to stroke her back. Then she begins to cry hysterically wetting his shirt.
It's more than crying, it's the kids of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. After her energy constantly drained out of her, the level of tiredness and weakness equates to insanity like her spirit temporarily dislocated. She sinks into his arms as what only left behind is raw emptiness that nibbles at her inside like a hungry rat. Her irises are threads scarlet and her eyeballs leave heavy in their sockets. Only muffles sobs fillings the room, and if it's not because of that small sounds Chaeyoung probably will though she has fainted.
Struggling to keep his tears silent, Chaeyoung looks to the glassy window up to the watery skies and heaven beyond. He has to believe his baby is safe up there, comfortable and warm. To look down would be to imagine small bean cold in a box, bereft of his cuddles and goodnight kisses.
"I requested, didn't I" She begins in a hushed tone, Her breaths are uneven and hitched occasionally."I don't care what happens to me" Mina pulls away from his embrace. Her eyes stared hard with an intensity that tightens Chaeyoung 's chest. "I didn't care about what will happened to me, I pleaded with you to save our daughter"
"I...I'm sorry"
She can feel the hot tears already welling up in her eyes by the revelation. Another piece of her died, another strand of connection between them breaks and it's what she feared the most, it's the most valuable pieces worth her whole heart, her whole life more than anything.
"How could you...." She walks backwards and tightly clenches the bed rail, staying away from him but her fiery stare never once leaves the guy. So lost in that moment and the torment her brain is in. "She's just a little girl! Your own daughter!!" She spits out. It's too much. The emotions are too many to handle at once, the intensity is too high, she cannot remains purely rational.
Until the emotion subsides, it's virtually impossible to access reasoning centres of the brain to have a logical conversation and thus argument and confrontation based on anger, frustration and sarcasm are inevitable. And Chaeyoung knows it. To have a heated conversation now is dangerous as they'll hurt each other in the hurricane of harsh and horsed insult. Though he himself is drowned by sadness and grief, he tries to suppress the emotions as he knows he deserves the resentment and retort from the girl so he chooses to stay silent.
But his silence is unacceptable by the brunette. Her fist on the bed's rail tightens as she gazes him. Burning rage hissed through her body like deathly poison. She shakes her head slightly, how come the deep love she has for him always be the causes of the greatest pain he gives to her. How many more she has to sacrifice, the pain she has to endure, the chances she has to give.
"Why....why are you keep disappointing me?" Her voice lowered.
"How can I live now? Tell me Chaeyoungie. Please..please return her to me" She pleads. Streaming tears cleansed her red cheeks. Few droplets remain, forgetting their way as the path are sweep from beneath them, consequently blurring her vision with waves of sadness. The salty release flowed into her mouth so that she could taste her own sorrow.
Chaeyoung is all a deceiving shell of the hollow soul, holding a thousands ocean of tears as he stands quietly. He could barely lift his head and only eyed the floor.
Mina remembers by the first thing she knows about Son Chaeyoung, her best friend, her lover. The kid who saved her from losing her way in the park, the one who gave her chocolate to calm her down, the one who held her hand when she was terrified by thunders. Then they grew up together, relying on each other and soon affection and love spark between them. But if every pain, every wound, every scar she always had it with him is the price of love, then she's not capable enough.
"I wish we've never met. Then I don't have to go through all of this. I shouldn't bother to chase after that damn butterfly, I shouldn't accept the chocolate you offered. I shouldn't even come to the park in the first place. Yeah, I should just stay at home....." She trails away.
Falling in love with him is just like falling into a black hole. Once you have entered it there is no coming back and the deeper you go into it, it becomes darker and intense. No matter how much love they have for each other, at the end that love always bleeds them until she thought that love isn't worth the pain, that she's much more willing not to feel that love at all from the first place.
".....Meeting you is my biggest regret"
Chaeyoung raises his head, planting his gaze on her. He never expects her words to hurt so much, it feels like a thousand knives just pierced through his heart. Finally, he has the urge to reply, to defends himself. "I did it for our future," He says, using his most normal voice he could utter covering the fact that her sharp and wounding words storm through him, piercing his body. But the girl doesn't realize the effect of her words and only stares at him in disbelief and anger.
"There's no future! Not anymore" She snaps and looks at him, blinked briny tears from her bloodshot eyes. She sees her soul in his eyes and knows in a moment that they, in very different ways, both wanted the same thing, but were lost in how to get there, blind to the paths yet trying to see. Both wanted happiness, the best for everyone but chooses a separate way.
She looks at him with that same disappointed face she'd given him a million times before. Frustrated and pressured, Chaeyoung runs his finger along his hair to control himself but words fly from his mouth that he never thought he'd even think, let alone say out loud. "She meant nothing!..." He shouts "..Nothing compared to yo---"
*slap*
It's loud as a clap and stings his face. It has been an open-handed smack and left a red welt behind. Just below his eye is a small cut where Mina's eternity ring has caught him.
"Does she ever meant anything to you?"
Chaeyoung knows instantly from the look in her eyes that they'd hit their mark. In that instant, their relationship shattered into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again. He wants to retract what he has said as it truly against his judgment that he doesn't mean it in the way she has interpret but her expression shows no room for forgiveness nor acceptance.
Chaeyoung walks closer, this time focusing on his words. His hands trail across her shoulder and gently grasp it as they stare into each other. "I can't afford to lose you," He says softly and in a matter of fact.
"You will," Mina responds with a monotone reply and a straight face.
"Min--"
"Leave. It's over" She interjected.
"Mina, please"
"Leave." Firmly and demanded, her cold fury is only growing bigger. Staring at him in a threatening way as the next conversation is spoken through their eyes. And it's her final words.
Chaeyoug wants to beg, plead, get down on his knees and tell her that this life has more meaning, that their love has meaning, that they could walk through this obstacle, but he knows that face. It is the face she wears when her ears are closed and her mind has put up barriers to all new information. So no matter what he says it will only push her further away.
The girl he met years ago under the big big oak tree, sitting on a bench in the park, the one with the gummy smiles, stars on her face and the bigger heart is now consumed by bitterness. The argument is cold. Every word over-pronounced, slicing rather than tumbling through the dry air. The love hasn't gone, it has been distorted into a close mimic of hatred. The person he loves the most has grown to hate him to the core.
Chaeyoung's hands drop and he distance himself, stepping away. He waits and waits in hope that she'll take her words back but no, the girl doesn't even want to look at him and planted her gaze elsewhere while her hands that are pressed on the bed's rail starts to shakes. He presses her lips and ambles his way to the door. He halts as he grabs onto the handle and stops himself from looking back
"I love you and I'm sorry," He says with one last tear shedding down his face. After waiting for an impossible reply from her, he finally let go.
* * * *
|Part II|
Standing there, Chaeyoung is surrounded by flowers petals in the centre of his living room. He roams his eyes, catching a glimpse of the banner with a text 'Are you willing to marry me? Penguin.' and next to it is a heart-shaped drawing. He averts his eyes to the ceiling where transparent helium balloons with incandescent rope lights are floating low and at the end of the rope are photographs of captured memories they once shared. He eyed those photos of them in Jeju Island, sitting next to each other on the cliff enjoying the sunset, a photo of them on the beach after he had confessed, him playing football in the orphanage, and her standing so calmly with closed eyes feeling the breeze when they went hiking.
The most beautiful of memories are the worst, cutting his insides as if they are shards of glass. Those memories and this house is once his refuge, a place of guaranteed warmth even on the coldest of days. But now, just being there fills him with a sadness he'll never fully shakes. He swallows the bursts of emotions and bottles it inside as he swayed to the kitchen to get some drink. He falls forward, catching himself on the porcelain sink and bowed his head, shoulders shaking. He tries to maintain his posture. It is overwhelming. All of it. But somehow, he keeps moving.
He mounts the stairs and goes straight to the bedroom as his entire body seems to sag with exhaustion and numbed agony. But the moment he sees the bed, it only reminds him of the small talk at night he once had with her, the pillow fight, the movie marathon, everything constantly pushes him to the edge. He sighs and is about to close the door when he catches a strange brown kraft paper sits on the bed. Having no interest in knowing what it is or the contains, he ignores it and shut the door.
He leans against the wall when his body feels as if he has been bruised in every corner. He stays head bowed until his face has been dried by the wind blowing from the window and his composure regained. It is his pain and he would keep it, it is the intensity of this heartache that proves the strength of their bond and he could not bear to feel less. He couldn't let his walls break, he had enough. But the thought doesn't linger inside his mind for a long time when he dares to glance to a door in the corner that was once his painting room.
He braces himself and stands before the bright pink in colour door, contemplating whether he should enter or not as he knows it will suck him into deep hollowness. Nonetheless, he decides to get in for the last time.
Inside the room, sits a single white crib and hang high above it is a musical hanging toy. On the left side light pink wall, a bunch of colourful flowers is spray-painted on the surface while on the right side wall is a shadow of a white oak tree and a drawing of a graceful ballerina. His eyes start to burn and his chest feels heavy as if it is filled with lead. Knowing what will comes next, he holds himself not to tear apart and wants to walk out of the room. His hands accidentally knock over an object on the table beside the door as he is in a rush to leaves. Something falls on the ground, the sound of shattering fills the room.
He looks down, it's a glass. A broken non-glazes ceramics cup. He kneels and picks all the pieces, not bothered by the sharp edge cutting his fingers. When he has gathers it inside his palm, a single flower formed on the surface. Tears welled up behind his eyelids and slips down his cheeks without resistance. He hurriedly scrubs them from his face.
"Who's that for?" Mina asked, settling beside me while I'm scarping off the poetry with a wooden finger-shaped tool to make a single lily flower. I stop my hands from moving and puts the tool on the table then place the cup in between hers and mine. Just by thinking of it makes me smiles nonstop. A complete family. I face her and pokes her growing bump.
"For our little bean"
He rubs his eyes and carefully stands up then gently put the pieces inside a drawer, but one leads to the others. A colourful book reveals itself deep inside the drawer. Chaeyoung slowly pulls it out. There is a silence to his soul as his fingers trails over the cover, unaware of the pounding of his head and the layer of dehydrated saliva that coated his cracked lips. He's suddenly out of balance and reaches out for the wall. His hand slips along the sheen and he sprawls onto the carpet with a crashing thump.
He has never felt more empty in mind, body or soul, never so bereft of any comfort. Never feels so worthless or disposable, never so wretched and cold. His hands clench the book into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief. He turns the page, and that's it. He lost it.
His eyes drip with tears. His walls, the walls that hold him up, make him strong just... collapse. He stares at the ultrasound pictures stuck on the first page then randomly flips it as he reads the words he expressed in the books day by day.
'Little bean, hahaha in your first photo you're a small black dot. I decided to call you little bean from now on. You won't be mad right? Haha. So, little bean, my name is Son Chaeyoung, your dad and Myoui Mina is your mother's name, what a sweet and pretty name your mother got right? You'll be shocked when you see her, she's verrrrry gorgeous and I bet you too. Hmmm, this is awkward actually writing this but I hope dad can give this book to you when you're here with us. Maybe that's it for now, lame right? Haha I love you, my daughter"
September 12, 2019
'I really miss you baby and of course your mother. Dad is a bit sick right now. Have some fever, I hope you'll never get sick, it's not a good feeling. What about mom? Is she doing well? Haha, definitely she is. Mom and dad are not fighting. Mom just a bit tired so she stays at home. Dad, reallllllllly loves you and mom....dad realllllly miss both of you.
October 2, 2019
'Hi! my daughter haha. Hmm, dad actually alone right now because mom is meeting your aunt. So, dad is a bit lonely haha. Today, dad bought some books for you hmmm you must be shared the same hobby with your mom right? You know, she's a bookworm hahaha. By the way....dad can't wait to see you and show you the world. It's a really beautiful place...and a bit dangerous haha, but don't worry dad will always protect you from any harm..same goes to your mom. I love you, my daughter...'
October 19, 2019
'To my baby, I wanted to write to you because this moment, this one quiet moment dad is having difficulty. Momma is very sick and it makes dad feels really bad. And I hope my baby is fine too. Be a good child and don't make momma worried okay. Baby, dad, and mom already in love with you and we can't wait to see you and we will love you. Always.
November 29, 2019
"Does she ever meant anything to you?"
That what Mina doesn't know that their baby does mean a whole world to him. The lump in his throat develops into a knot. His lungs scream for oxygen. He starts gasping over and over, yelling, 'get ahold of yourself!' in his head. A tear involuntarily slides down his cheek. He couldn't take it anymore. The sound of his sobs fills the air. He just breaks down. The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts.
He closes the books and brings it closer to his chest, hugging it tightly as if someone will snatch it from him. The desolation he feels is all-consuming. His mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in his soul and wraps icy tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stops beating.
And it almost stops beating.
It's unfair. Very. Questioning God's will and fate, why he has to go through all of this? Why did bad things keep happening? Tear stream down his cheeks, his whole face is red, and he screams at the very top of his lungs. He demands an answer, anything but no thunder suddenly strikes nor rain suddenly washed out or a fire suddenly spark, no sign, nothing.
His upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out. Chest rising and falling unevenly as he gasps for breath while squeezing his eyes shut. He balled his hands into fists each time he throws his head back to let out a blood-curdling scream.
Their daughter....so innocent, precious yet he let her go.
From now on, he has to live with himself, with the wretched memories swirling around in the head. He curls into a ball, every light that has once brighten his world are now switched off. The world turns into a blur, and so do all the sounds. The taste. The smell. He clutches furiously at his chest, hoping that by a scratch or simple graze, his heart would stop racing and his body just might entirely shut down. It becomes harder and harder for him to breath around his sobs. His heart hurts.
But he's too broken to even have the feelings of concern about himself. He breaths around the knot as if the oxygen has been suck from the air around him. His heartbeat gets rapid and irregular as he doubles over then collapse to the ground with a thud. Everything darkens into nothingness. Without uttering another sound his face meets the frigid pavement and his eyes closed.
* * * *
A mild headache is what hit him when he first wakes up. He blinks back at thunderstorms swarming in his mind. The disjointed haze receding to the point where he could make sense of the world around him.
It seems like his senses are coming back to him one at a time, as his brain is going through some kind of reboot and he begins to piece together what had happened. Then a numbing sensation rushes in and he heard a slight ringing in his ears. Someone is speaking to him but he couldn't quite make out what they are. His vision refocused, and he could figure it out that someone is by his side, holding his hand. He had hoped it was the person he needed the most, but he was proved wrong.
"Irene-sii? What happened?" He mumbles as he stares at the girl before him.
Irene smiles warmly and tightens her grips. Her eyes glowed in gentle concern. "I found you laying on the ground, unconscious and brings you here." Her soft voice succeeds in soothing him. He is much more affected by the tone she has rather than the actual words.
He responds her with a sincere smile and utter a 'thank you' under his breath. He roams his eyes around the place and finds out that he is inside a small room yet it has a warmness that one feels when they're at home. He diverts his attention to himself and realizes his hospital's shirt is unbuttoned as white patches are stick on his bare chest to a monitor beside him. He knows what it is, an electrocardiograph machine, recording his heart rhythm while next to it is an oxygen tank.
"I brought you to a clinic in my small town. You've been asleep for almost two weeks. And......she asked me to give this to you" Irene started, taking out a folded handkerchief out of her pockets. She carefully unfolds it and reveals a ring that is too familiar to him.
Chaeyoung hesitantly takes it and examine it. It's the eternity ring that holds his promises to never stop loving her and that his heart will always be true, a symbol to their love, happiness that they are waiting for.
"She said she'll leave the country, and her flight is today...." Irene glance to the clock on the bedside table. "She might already board the plane"
Chaeyoung slowly nods. It's quiet for a moment before he suddenly got out of bed and stumbles across to the other side of the room as his drowsiness has still not left him. Irene watches in silence as if she has expected how he'll respond to the news. She doesn't say anything nor stops him but only stay rigid on her place as she witnesses him disappear from her sight.
Chaeyoung runs as fast as he could, fear creeps inside him. The fear of losing her forever. His bare feet pounded against the light grey polished tiled floor. Quickening his pace to an all-out sprint, not minding anyone, he bumps against a stranger. The impact causing him to sprained his ankle as his body hits the wall. He ignores an apology he heard somewhere and wants to keep running before a hand grip his arms.
"Hyung! Where are you going" A familiar voice calls out from behind.
Chaeyoungs turns around and relief washed through him, "Oh, Tzuyu, give me your car key" The younger just stares at his brother in bewildered while he digs his hands inside his pocket, fumbling with the keys. Tuzyu knows where his brother is heading, and he doesn't want them to meet. He isn't completely convinced that his brother won't be hurt again. He wants to save his brother from heartbreak.
"Why? Where---"
"Car key! Tzuyu please" Chaeyoung pleads. The younger presses his lips and sigh. Maybe that's the better, to let his brother watch himself that the person he values the most chooses to abandon him and leaves him, stranded alone. He takes out his car key and gives it to his brother.
Chaeyoung snatches the key in a hurry and runs along the hallway. His sprained ankle refusing to support his weight. Though he had been told before to be cautious of his ankle bone since he once forced himself to walk with a twisted ankle. But none of that advice matter to him.
He founds Tzuyu's car and speeds to the international airport using the shortest route. Takes him a couple of minutes before he arrives. Struggling to cope up with the injury on his feet, it starts to swell as he runs to the plasma screens of arrival and departure times on the wall of the airport. He mentally curses himself as he recalls that he forgot to ask Irene what country Mina is going.
He leaves with no option but to search for her in the sea of new faces moving in an unseen current. He starts to runs, anywhere his legs bring him. People are lined up at the check-in desk with suitcases and baggage, some lounged on the low comfy chairs and others bounced on their toes. He goes through every departure gate, shouting her name over and over again.
Chaeyoung steps halt and bent forwards, hands on his knees as he takes short intakes of breaths. His left-hand crawls to his chest, clutches it when the pain strikes as if someone hammered nails inside his heart and every hit knock out the air out of his lungs. Looking around, he finds himself lost in a thousand people milling around and in the background, he heard the seasonal music and the tinkle of sculptured water features, murmuring, child's crying.
His shoulders are slumped and his eyes cast down in a mournful gaze, his sore eyes can no longer form tears. He stands straight and takes a long deep breath.
"Mina!!"
Calling her name. It's the loudest voice he could let out. He gains unpleasant gaze from strangers that walking by, probably thinking he's mad---seeing a guy wearing a hospital gown, running around, limping while shouting a name, they might think he's someone who escapes from an asylum.
He does not bother by the stares and wants to continue searching but another more step causes him to falls on his knees as his ankle has swollen in a bright purplish colour. He punches his legs in annoyance and frustration that he couldn't move. He then pushes himself to the nearest bench.
His hand hangs on his knee while his head bowed resting his eyes to the tiles under his foot gleaming white. He opens his palm revealing the eternity ring once belonged to the girl mirroring the ring that wraps around his index finger. He's surprised when a water droplet falls into his hand, he thought the water inside his body had drained out but there he is, again crying out as waves of helplessness hit him.
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Mina stops on her track and turns around, her hands grip tightly a passport and a plane ticket. Her eyes roam the place in curiosity until someone taps her shoulder.
"Is something wrong?" The man says, following her gaze.
A faint smile crosses her features. "N-nothing...I just.." Her voice fades away as she glances around. The man waits for her to continue her words but she brushes her disturbed thought. "I probably just misheard things." She says. The man's face darkens as he looks at her with a hint of concern. Mina who realizes the meaning of his expression holds his hand in assurance.
"I'm okay Jeongie." She assures, convincing him. Jeongyeon hardly nods and still visible the line of worries on his forehead. Mina smiles and guides him to continue walking away inside the departure gate. She strained herself from turning once more as their figure disappears to the boarding terminal.
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When the twilight fades to blackness, Chaeyoung decides to search for her again as his ankle become less painful. Limping around, he goes to the second floor, there's only one gate left unchecked. A flight from Seoul to Norway. Unfortunately, his efforts come to no avail. He mindlessly walks around another few hours, looking everywhere until midnight hits.
Devastated. He finally decides to give up. That enough is enough. It's a strange thing to lose something which you once had, like a limb torn from your body without the chance to save it. The door that is once open and welcoming is locked and disinviting. She has left him; he is alone. She chooses to leaves and he has no right to stop her.
Limp extremities creaked and cracked under the pressure of his body. His lifeless corpse navigated the streets with grotesque difficulty as he drives home. Rain lashed against the windshield of his car. He's lost in his thought thinking he never sought to hurt her or anyone. It's as if all that love became a pain, the pain became fear and the fear sowed hatred strong enough to break them. Maybe that's the way things go for her, strong hate to break a strong love, to erect walls, to protect the self. Maybe for him, he could survive to live without her but to lose everything that means so much to him in one day is a torment.
"You promised me twice, that you'll never leave me. Please don't break it"
"Silly, I won't"
He only prays that they will be reunited in the next, that God would see fit to give them more time, chances. But for now, the loss is more than his heart can take and he feels the dark clouds looming in from above to obscure the sun beyond the dawn. He slowly loosens his grip on the steering wheel and heaves a sigh as he sinks into the seat.
Even though I want to hold you and keep you by my side for a longer time, it seems like you keep drifting farther and farther away from me. As much as I know it's the best for me, for you and for everyone, I didn't expect you to get out of my life someday. I'll never forget the moments you laughed with me, cried with me, helped me. I don't regret any of those memories. Thank you for everything. I hope you find your happiness out there. And to my child, I'm sorry and wait for dad, I'll come to you.
Two blinding lights suddenly blazed ahead like two shining eyes trying to pierce the impenetrable darkness, a truck speeding towards him from other direction. He shut his eyes letting out a flowing river then press on the gas pedal. The sound of car screeching brakes and tires skidding on the wet pavement with continuous honking noise fills the space. Chaeyoung feels quite sleepy.
In no time, his car rollover, lights swirls like crazy Catherine-wheels and the noise of the metal being bashed over the concrete is almost deafening. The seatbelt tug on his skin with every lurch and the airbag is already deflating. When everything stops there is only the sound of the rain on the underbelly of the car for so long.
The eternity ring drops as his hands fall while the one he's wearing slowly slips from his finger as it coated with blood, making a clinking sounds when it hits the ground.
"Meeting you is my biggest regret"
"Meeting you is a beautiful blessing"
End of Withered Chapter 56. Continue reading Chapter 57 or return to Withered book page.